Remember this face...


His name is Duncan - aka: "Babycakes", "Mr. Velour", "Dunkie Man", "The Boy"

Breed: English Cocker Spaniel
Coat: Liver Roan, Eyes/Nose: Brown
Distinguishing Marks: White spot on top of head

His rap sheet goes back to his infancy. Wanted for an assortment of crimes against humanity.
Approach with caution.


You raise them from innocent little bundles of fur.
You do your best -- really you do.
Yet, mark my words, vice will find your little doggie ere long

~ Moving Violations

Failure to Yield
This occurs mainly on stairways and other dangerous intersections. Pack order is thrown to the wind as bodies careen recklessly toward their goal.

Exceeding the Speed Limit
"Heel, Heel, HEEL!"

Passing in a No-Passing Zone
Either right or left is permissible - between the legs is NOT!

Driving without a License
Suddenly, a paw seizes the wheel!

~ Grand Larceny

1/2 a cheesecake made for Christmas guests disappeared into Arthur before he was caught in the act.

~ Petty Larceny

Kleenex theft is the most common offense. A tissue can be "lifted" quite easily from a pocket or snatched from a purse carelessly left open. Used tissues are the most highly prized.

Tristan was an underwear thief. Early in the morning, while it was still dark, he would dash past Papa and into the great outdoors with a pair of panties or jockey shorts in his mouth. All was well for months, until our neighbor mentioned the underwear collection spread on the ground behind our garage.

~ Indecent Exposure

Those of you with boydogs know what I mean. And they just sit there grinning...

~ Solicitation

Emma is a shameless flirt. When she sees a man who strikes her fancy, she prances over and throws herself at his feet - belly up. "Hey big boy, I'm spayed." Then she clings to him throughout the evening, making indecent suggestions with her eyes.

~ Unwanted Advances

Duncan is what was referred to in gentler times as a "masher". Young ladies beware, he has no scruples. Give him a smile and he's rooting around in your bra. His appreciation of, and fixation on, this particular part of female anatomy has brought a startled gasp to many a visitor. Our neighbor, mother of two fine children, upstanding citizen, a PTA member for heaven's sake, was molested by this fresh young man right on my couch in plain view. As we chatted, he sidled up to her and quickly rolled over - positioning his head in her lap. Then he began to idly bat at her chest with his paw. She did her best not to notice, but when he continued she was forced to ask him to cease and desist. I nearly died of shame. Perhaps he was weaned too soon?

~ Assault

Duncan has been known to use his large and rock-hard head to ram legs and grind the eyeballs and lips of sleeping persons. Since the head must remain, we're at a loss as to how to protect the public from this menace.

Arthur once slapped the vet across the face after a botched blood drawing attempt. It went on his permanent record - in ink. While his temper was usually under control, Emma once got him so riled that he tackled her, held her down and repeatedly punched her in the face with his doggie fist.

Emma was the bite and run queen as a pup. She'd lurk in corners, dash out and deliver a fearsome "pinch" with her teeth - just enough to leave a mark to remember her by. Then she danced off and waited for her next victim.

~ Heavy Drinking

Yes, Duncan has a drinking problem. In the middle of play, after a nap - any time at all - he dips his muzzle and ears deep into the water bowl and takes on enough fluid to wash a car. The problem is, he never swallows the last mouthful. Dribbling from both sides, he's now headed for the nearest person (often with a soaked tennis ball in his mouth). There is no three-step program that can help him.

~ Substance Abuse

Emma is a woodchip addict. Despite the inevitable results, she is driven to devour these woody delights. When new chips are spread on the flowerbeds she tries in vain to consume every one, shredding them carefully first. Now she has Duncan hooked. Our secret shame...

Earnest and Arthur could not resist the lure of lipstick. They would snatch the tubes from an unguarded purse and crack open the "bones" to get to the colorful (and apparently irresistible) "marrow" inside. The garish marks on their faces always gave them away. A pathetic reminder of their addiction.

Despite his calm demeanor and fastidious appearance, Earnest was, in fact, held captive by the most monstrous addiction of them all - latex. Spanish latex was his preference, but when he got the shakes he'd settle for anything. The smell of a new latex toy made his eyes roll toward heaven. He couldn't help himself. With the low street value of the stuff and pushers on every corner, his fix was never more than a buck forty-nine away. This sort of tragedy is played out every day - wherever dogs and the demon latex can be found.

~ Murder

A fledgling Blue Jay enjoying a bright summer's day on the lawn... Add 3 bird dogs and you have the recipe for disaster. Although all went to the Rainbow Bridge without revealing the name of the killer, Earnest has always been the prime suspect in this sordid affair - with Tristan and Arthur as willing accomplices. . .Maybe the latex made him do it.

OK, so I've raised a bunch of delinquents.
But I know I'm not alone.
Let he who has a dog without sin cast the first tennis ball...


Copyright 1999 Elizabeth Cusulas
Tale Waggers - Stories for Dog People
All Rights Reserved
Reproduction without written permission is expressly forbidden